Giving in to Gravity

Fools Are Headstrong

2012-02-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Back off, I'll take you on,
Headstrong to take on anyone,
I know that you are wrong,
Headstrong, I'm headstrong.

The lyrics and the emotions that go with them surge through me in the midst of argument. My defense mechanism kicks in and I say and do whatever it takes to get my point across, to make them see, to be right. I say things I don't mean, things that are untrue, snide, hurtful. I get so worked up that I forget what we were even arguing about in the first place.

And then The Spirit reminds me: "Fools are headstrong and do what they like; wise people take advice." (Proverbs 12:15, The Message)

On Writer's Block

2012-02-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

I currently have seven unfinished posts in my queue. I long to write, to get my thoughts and emotions out, let them be free, to get my creativity flowing. But how do I write when all I want to do is cry? I dont know what this force is that blocks me. I want to write, yet I am so afraid of it. Why? Why can't I just do it?

Maybe I can...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2012-01-30T12:44:00.000-08:00

Respectful disagreement is not something I am very good at. I am a very opinionated and stubborn person and I don't tolerate having my thoughts, beliefs, or ideas devalued. If I feel like I am under attack, even in a small way, I immediately and unconsciously go on the defensive and respect quickly goes out the window. As a result, I often inadvertently offend or hurt the people I care about when I become engrossed in an argument.

This stubbornness is at the root of the vast majority of arguments I have with my mom. There is a fair helping of stubbornness on both sides of my family tree, but my mom's brand of it seems to be the one I have primarily inherited. When we don't see eye to eye on something, we talk each other in circles trying to make tho other concede to our own point of view. It has been this way for as long as I can remember, and the older I get, the longer and more emotional our arguments seem to be.

For most of my adolescence, I just accepted arguments with my mother as "the way things are." It was just how our relationship worked, right? But as I transition into adulthood, I am learning (with the help and guidance of some wonderful professors here at Fox) to take a deeper look at who I am and why I am who I am (Sam I am...). Yes, I am a stubborn person, but why am I so stubborn? Why does this unconscious defense mechanism kick in and override my sense of respect? Why do I feel the need to win every argument, even at the expense of others' feelings? Maybe it's heredity, maybe it's the red hair, maybe it's just the way I was raised. I don't know why, and there may not be a way to know. What I do know is that I need to be more aware of when and why I am prone to being defensive, and learn to control it before I really hurt someone.

Good Enough

2012-01-22T21:16:00.000-08:00

When it comes down to it, my biggest struggle lately is that I just don't feel good enough.

This week, I am breaking out pretty badly; I have a cold; I have lost my confidence as a writer and replaced it with fear of not measuring up; I am intimidated by the talented artists at Fox, and while I believe that I have the potential to rise to that standard, I spend so much time focusing on how everyone else is better than me instead of working toward my own goals; I have a lot of reading to do and am not making enough time to do it well; and all of this "not good enough" is building up, causing emotional strain on my relationships.

All of these things factor into my overall feeling of "not good enough." But what is "good enough"? I am realizing that "good enough" for me is such a vague, undefinable concept that it is, and always will be, unattainable. (This is the part where I get really anxious.) Here's why: I develop an idea in my mind of what "good enough" is and then as soon as I start to come close to reaching it, I push the bar up just a little bit higher. I keep "good enough" dangling in front of me like a carrot on a stick, always within sight but never within reach.

I spend so much time comparing myself to the people around me, that I love sight of, or perhaps never even create, personal goals. My goals have become completely dependent on those around me, rather than on myself. I need to make goals for myself that are attainable, and take some time to celebrate when I reach them. I may not have the best skin or be the best writer or the best photographer or the best girlfriend, but I am giving my best, and that makes me good enough. Good enough for my family and my friends and my boyfriend. Good enough for myself. And most importantly, good enough for God.

Incomplete

2012-01-21T02:26:00.001-08:00

I've done a good chunk of writing tonight, but I still have a lot of incomplete thoughts. there will be posts tomorrow. This is a promise. Not that there's anyone to promise to since no one reads this blog. perhaps that will change...

Forgetfulness

2012-01-11T17:44:00.000-08:00

I am forgetful. I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder last summer, and I take medication that helps me focus but even still, I forget things... A lot of things. Important things. Critical things.

I keep a planner for my assignments and activities. I keep lists—lots of lists—to remind me of things I need to do or getor people I need to talk to. I have a lot of strategies for staying organized, yet things still fall through the cracks. Time management continues to be a challenge for me. I often forget about plans I have made and end up double-booking my time and having to decide to whom I must apologize, not because I don’t want to do whatever it is I planned to do, but simply because I forgot. I don’t like the feeling that brings, and it often leads to tension or argument.

My reaction to these issues in the past had been to re-evaluate my organizational system, to find ways to make it more efficient, more organized, and more inclusive. It seems like the only way for me to truly have peace of mind is to have every activity and task compiles in one place—a physical representation of my life. I have a paper planner, which holds my assignments and meetings and other major plans and time commitments, but it gets so messy that I often miss things, or forget to look at it. I feel like I need a cohesive system, one that can hold my daily schedule of classes and activities and meetings and dinners with people and so on, as well as assignments, general task lists, things I need to buy or get a hold of, grocery list… everything. It scares me that I must be so reliant on technology (or I suppose paper) to organize my entire life, but I know no other effective way to keep myself sane. I need help.

Losing control and being OK with it

2012-01-02T23:37:00.001-08:00

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s own, or real life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls one’s real life is a phantom of one’s own imagination.” [C.S. Lewis]

I have been searching and praying about this blog’s purpose for several months now, without much success. All I knew was that I missed writing and I wanted to choose a topic or theme that would help me grow not only as a writer, but as a person. When Alan Hlavka, the head pastor at the church where I grew up, read this quote during the New Year’s Eve service, I knew I had found it. Alan has always had a way of tugging at my heart, but this message was especially convicting and exactly what I had been searching for.

I’ve always had an active imagination. As a girl, I related so closely (and still do) to the charming protagonist of L.M. Montgomery’s “Anne of Green Gables” series. The protagonist is a boisterous redhead bursting with imagination, creativity and verbosity, as I often was (am). However, hearing the words of C.S. Lewis on Saturday made me realize how truly engrossed I can become in my own imagination and perception of reality.

As an especially type-A personality, I thrive on organization. I make a lot of lists (and I mean A LOT!), and I like to know all the details of any given situation. And I convince myself that I am in control because I am doing the things on my to-do list and making plans for my time and my life. I am also a dedicated people-pleaser, and as a result, I often work myself into a frenzy trying to create plans that make everyone happy, only to realize that such a task is quite impossible and I have in fact pleased no one (including myself) in my frantic effort to create the perfect plan. And here is why: The only perfect plans are God's.

"In their hearts, men plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps," (Proverbs 16:9)

"The Lord establishes [my] steps." God doesn’t reveal his plans on my schedule, but His. I am coming to realize that in order to see God’s plans, I am going to have to wait, and since patience has never been my forte, I must (again) turn to God for help. I have to trust Him to give me the patience it will take to wait for Him to reveal his plan to me, and find peace in the meantime. I also have to be careful how much stock I put in my own plans, because while making wise decisions is an important part of life, my plans should be working in tandem with God's.

This song by Francesca Battistelli has caught my attention now and again, and the message is a good summary of my goals as well as the inspiration for the title of this blog: Giving in to the gravity that is pulling me toward God's plan.

I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli on Grooveshark

My heart beats standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There's no turning back

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm losing control of my destiny
It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm losing control of my destiny
It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
So I'm letting go

Giving in to gravity
Knowing you are holding me
I'm not afraid

I'm letting go of the life I've planned for me, and my dreams
I'm losing control of my destiny
It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe
It feels like I'm falling and this is the life for me
And I'm letting go